Tuesday, April 12, 2011

On the other hand...

I'll have plenty of other lovely things to look forward to in my man-filled house. Just because I don't have any daughters doesn't mean that I am spared from all awkward conversations and situations, just a big chunk of them.

Not at all.

Since my last post, I have been focusing on the things I will have to endure. So mothers of all girls, these are some of the things that you will get to skip in the years to come:

- I am already having to discuss the status of my sons' nether regions. C, in particular, gives me regular updates on his little buddy. At some point, that will stop and they won't want to me acknowledge that they have nether regions.

- They are going to bring home slimy, creepy, crawly things of all kinds. I will have to pretend to like these creatures because, if they know I don't like them, the boys will use them as a terror device.

- Once I leave the realm of diapers, I am hoping I have a few years of neutral odor before my home smells of B.O. Not long after that, clouds of Axe Body Spray will clog my sinuses the moment I open my front door.

- Boys, way more than girls, go through a really long, weird phase in their early teens. Their limbs are longer than they think, so I'll have to remove all breakables that I got to put back on display after the toddler years. Their skin is awful, but they aren't as predisposed to begin a skin care regime. The body odor/Axe thing will kick in. Oh, and no boys are attractive at this age. This will be the time that I love them from a distance, which will work out well because they won't want to be anywhere near me either.

- They eat a lot now, but I can only imagine the kind of grocery bills I am going to have. Bulk shopping is already going to start in the next few month since F is on real food now. Let's guess how many carts I'll need to fill when I have three teenage boys to feed!

- I think the sex conversation is a bit weirder with boys. I am one of those parents who feels that it needs to come from both parents, so that will be fun and I am sure they will be super comfortable with it.

- If you have seen Transformers, there is a scene when Sam's parents burst in on him when he is in his room. I am sure I will interrupt "happy time" at some point as well.

I know I am in for things I can't imagine. Mothers of boys: what else does the future hold for me?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Conversations I won't be having

I have no problem admitting that I wanted a girl. I was convinced that C was a girl, only to be corrected by my ultrasound tech at my 5-month scan. M and F were no surprise. My doctor did tell me that F was a girl and three pinkalicious weeks went by before my dreams of tutus were shattered forever by a more accurate scan.

While I had always dreamt of tea parties, ballet classes and lengthy shopping sessions, I wouldn't trade my boys for anything. Things may be a little dirtier, a little smellier and a little louder, but we have a ball.

Since I am not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon, or ever again for that matter, I occasionally find myself pining for a girl. When these pangs rise up, I think of a few things that, as the mother of all boys, I'll never have to do (bra fittings, shaving lessons, monthly hormonal surges). This is a double-edged sword because it can also take me into "things I'll never get to do" territory (prom dress shopping, wedding dress shopping, lots of other shopping). A safer way is to think of the awkward conversations I get to avoid.

Any parent will tell you that the job is full of difficult conversations. If I think back to some of the sticky topics that my mother and I broached, the worst ones were all related to my gender. Since I know that I won't have to hit those down the line, I shouldn't have it quite so bad!

Here are just a few of the conversations that I will never have to have:

- Keep Your Legs Crossed: Wear A Skirt With Class
- Welcome to Menstruation: Riding the Crimson Wave for the Next 45 Years
- Tampons: A Beginners Guide
- Makeup: How Not To Look Like A Tramp
- Keep Your Clothes On: Celebrities Aren't The Only Ones Whose Naughty Pics Hit The Internet

Just to be safe, I'll probably will touch on that last one with my boys.

I am sure that I will have my fair share of awkward conversations in the years to come. Don't think for a second that I won't be hitting the major ones: sex, drugs and the long-term ramifications of following a bad fashion trend (you early 90s kids know what I am talking about and boys were not exempt).

But next time I am a little sad that there are no ballet shoes or Cabbage Patch dolls in my house, I'll remind myself that I will never have to convince my daughter that the prom dress she loves is going to haunt her fashion record forever or the wedding dress she has her eye on isn't going to happen because it costs more than my car.

So you tell me, what is the most awkward conversation you have had to have with your child? Or if your kids are still to young, what is the conversation you are most dreading?